Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Guide to Handling Foul Neighbors

If your neighbors are foul, try one or all of the following: *

1. Replace their front porch lightbulb with a green one.
2. Stick seven "Neighborhood Watch" flyers under their wipers.
3. Play "Thriller" every evening at 10 o'clock on the back porch.
4. Put a plastic flamingo in the middle of the cul de sac.
5. Raise a single nostril as a greeting when passing o'er the driveway.**
6. Remind them shrilly of Neighborhood Rule #378--any curtains appearing in windows should be warm toned or neutral, or didn't they forget that one?
7. Write "Snivel" on their windshield with toothpaste.
8. Put a load of wet dryer lint under their trashcan handle.
9. Pay an apartment kid from next door to knock on their door selling "Foul Neighbors Suck" t-shirts for a worthy cause.
9.5. Leave baked goods on their porch every morning for 2-weeks.
10. Ignore them...with flair.

* The word "snivel" should be used with discretion.
** For the unpracticed, an expert nostril lift/lip curl combination is pictured below.

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